Do You Call That a Hat?

'Do you call that a hat?' I said to my wife.
    'You needn't be so rude about it,' my wife answered as she looked at herself in the mirror.
    I sat down on one of those modern chairs with holes in it and waited. We had been in the hat shop for half an hour and my wife was still in front of the mirror.
    'We mustn't buy things we don't need,' I remarked suddenly. I regretted saying it almost at once.
    'You needn't have said that,' my wife answered. 'I needn't remind you of that terrible tie you bought yesterday.'
    'I find it beautiful,' I said. 'A man can never have too many ties.'
    'And a woman can't have too many hats,' she answered.
    Ten minutes later we walked out of the shop together. My wife was wearing a hat that looked like a lighthouse!

A Slip of the Tongue

People will do anything to see a free show-even if it is a bad one. When the news got round that a variety show would  be presented at our local cinema by the P and U. Bird Seed Company, we all rushed to see it. we had to queue for hours to get in there must have been several hundred people present just before the show began. Unfortunately, the show was one of the dullest we have ever seen. Those who failed to get in need not have felt disappointed as many of the artistes who should have appeared did not come. The only funny things we heard that evening came from the advertiser at the beginning of the programme. He was obviously very nervous and for some minutes stood awkwardly, before the microphone. As soon as he opened his mouth, everyone burst out laughing. We all know what the poor man should have said, but what he actually said was : 'This is the Poo and Ee Seed Bird Company. Good ladies, evening and gentlemen!'